Spew'ed Politics

Animals can only get so many jobs in the modern work force. Since they are far too brute for the boardroom, and too “Madison Avenue” for the farmhouse, the “working Joe” animal is seen fit for only the fast food industry, Vonage tech support, and product testing. There is a vast conspiracy in this country to keep the Animal Kingdom relegated to the farm and forest. America is being brainwashed to believing that animals do not have the right to work. Animal cruelty groups would like you to think that animals are neglected and treated horribly in cages. This is certainly not the case! The lighter side of animal testing is that it is one of the few jobs where animals are treated as equals.

The average animal product tester makes $18 dollars an hour, has full health care, and three months paid vacation. While you have been taught that animals suffer indignities on the job, the fact of the matter is that product labs are generally “by animal, for animal” ventures. The only rabbits wearing lipstick are the ones that chose to. These animals need to work like the rest of us. Why should they be denied this right? The meat packing unions, long ago, forged a deal with the world governments to keep the Barnyard Renaissance secret. The public was never informed of the cultural and social evolutions that swept the world in the summer of 1946!

Children’s fruit snacks are the most enjoyable part of every lunch period. They serve as relief from cold peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and zip lock bags of carrots. In 1992, nineteen children died from a severe allergic reaction to the green apple-flavored, hammerhead shark bit found in a pack of Shark Bites Fruit Snacks. These poisonous snacks lead to the biggest food recall in world history. Seventeen thousand boxes of the fruity treat were buried in a landfill outside northern Connecticut. The recall cost creator Betsy Cranker Foods nearly a quarter of a billion dollars, and irreparably damaged their public image.

The shark bites incident taught Cranker a valuable lesson when releasing a product. Since then, they have mandated heavy testing of all fruit snacks before releasing them to retailers. Their current and most popular fruit snack, ‘Spewers’ spent three years in clinical trials at three different animal labs. ‘Spewers’, famous for contorting your face with its intense fruit flavor, was at first a danger to the consumer. The ratio of power fruit serum to stable chewy shell was frequently miscalculated. Many mice exploded into large durians after only a small sampling of the product. The goal of a fruit indulgence that could temporally alter your perception to the peaceful splendor of a fruit seemed impossible. However, thanks to the tireless efforts of many rodents, and a round the clock team of orange midgets manning a 18 foot tall fruit-juicer, the recipe for ‘Spewers’ has since been refined to provide just the right combination of fructose-infused face-altering toxins and a day’s worth of Vitamin C.

The Stevil Center for Advanced Snackalogic Studies (A.S.S.) has conducted their own independent studies of ‘Spewers’ fruit snacks. The center has concluded that ‘Spewers’ pose a serious risk to the public health when not consumed in the proper environment. Last year, a family of four was killed when their car flipped off I-301. Roux Rancheros lost control of his Honda Insight when his child’s head expanded unexpectedly while eating ‘Spewers’. Snackologists agree you should never consume a new product for the first time while driving. In another study, the center found that in-car munching was responsible for more car deaths last year than cell phones

Contributors: Dick (Featured image), Stevil (Copywriting), Graham (Copywriting)

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