The Axis of Stevil

STRAIGHT TO DVD! : Termites in a Log Cabin

FBI Agents George Cagney (Jude law) and Janet Philmore (Meg Ryan) were assigned a simple babysitting job and escort former Yakuza Kingpin Tony Cho (Ice T) to Washington, where he must testify before a grand jury. Cho's testimony is set to expose the extent of the Japanese mafias infiltration into the world's infrastructure. Little did they know that an innocent night stay over in a log cabin in the Ozarks would turn into a night of terror. Specially trained assassins have released hundreds of venomous African Termites into the cabin hoping to silence the witness forever. The high action movie "Termites in a Log Cabin" will send you on an emotional roll coaster as you bare witness to the sheer terror of the termites shredding through and eating pine, oak, and spruce. It is head and shoulders above this year's movie crop with disturbingly real CGI termites and the badass ethnic wisecracking of Jude Law. "Termites in a Log Cabin" will have the summer movie audience begging for a sequel with its climatic cliffhanger ending. The already in production conclusion, "Killer Bees in a Supermarket," is slated for a winter 2008 release.

MARVEL US: April Fools

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

LOW IMPACT TERRORISM

In recent weeks The Axis of Stevil has noticed an increase in the level of terrorist chatter. Several creditable threats in the form of magazine order cards have been intercepted that show a swelling of entry-level terrorist support. Be aware of low impact terrorist organizations that seek to draw upon the sympathies of evil and unmotivated men. The following press release was found in a raid of a terrorist compound outside of Jamestown, MA.
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DON'T BE A DUMMY

Traffic on the thoroughfares and byways surrounding major cities is often congested and subject to slow-downs. The one salvation to this chaos is the H.O.V. lanes. These high-occupancy lanes allow society to once again elevate families and sociable people above the single loners of the world. Well, if you are tired of being stuck behind the "newest shipments of summer savings", "wide right turns" or "I brake for Jesus", The Axis of Stevil suggests you get out into the fast lane, without fear, with Baby E.D.S. by your side
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MAN ON THE INSIDE

In a bold move, the young Estevez has purposefully blown his cover and openly talked to the media about the September 11th attacks. This honorable act of shining the first main stream light on the dirty, not so secret, shame that is destroying the American dream has left Estevez in a dangerous situation. Charlie Sheen has risked his career and safety for a cause that should not be overlooked. It is now up to the people to have the courage to face what is known as horror and scrutinize all it��s aspects; regardless of the consequences.
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LANGUAGE: frowzy

"frowzy" "frowzy" (FROU-zee) adjective, also frowsy, frouzy. 1. Unkempt, slovenly. 2. Having a musty odor. "Franklin University realized their mascot, The Franklin Frowzy, wasn't exactly crowd-friendly."

Ask Stevil: 3/24

Today's Question:
"How come twenty six year olds are so clingy, cant they just have sex and move on like all the other singles out there? ~Goober"
Dear Goober: First of all, why are you dating a kindergarten class? With twenty six year olds, one might grow tired of the constant chirp of their voices or non-stop pestering over GI JOE or Legos, if the constant barrage of trivial questions and statements pooring from their mouths doesnt kill you first. The fact of the matter remains that six year olds usually don't participate in sexual relations either, therefore they are incapable of "having sex and moving on like all the other singles out there." Usually relationships often stretch thin around a lack of communication and high expectations with sub par behavior. These problems can usually be exterminated by constant open communication. If you retain certain expectations about space, bedroom life, behavior, language, then grab a a chalkboard and let the diagrams do the talking. Explain and layout your expectations and intentions in the current relationship. By doing this, you provide your relationship partner , whether they be six or ninety-eight years old, with direct insight into what you are looking for and then can clearly understand what it is they can or will do in regarding them. If you need more space, tell them. Show them what you are looking for. This communication can often be tedious and uncomfortable, but in the end each person knows what the other is looking for and any consequences are understood and accepted by all

STINK NO LONGER

Do you suspect your friend or communal life partner is suffering from the debilitating symptoms of Peltmegaly? Commonly known as 'Long-Hairs' or 'Hippiedom', Peltmegaly affects 400,000 Americans every year. Increase your hypochondria and know the symptoms of Peltegaly: severe and often crippling litharge, dementia and a noxious miasma. Though rarely fatal, chromic sufferers have problems holding down jobs and interacting in normal society. The path to recovery for Peltmegalians is a long and often emotionally trying. The first step is to intervene. Most hippies don't know they are suffering, or how bad they smell. Many find it hard to communicate with people on "the wavy gravy" due to their nonsensical ramblings and oblivious stares. Do not let them suffer alone! Be like the Iron Woman, take matters into your own hands and clean up their act. First, wait patiently outside their dwelling or earth mound. When they appear, soak them with a garden or fire hose. Ignore their cries for mercy and soak them to the bone to wash away layers of grime and resin
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MARVEL US: Spring break

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

DY-NO-MITE!

Sifting through the hype and fluff of consumer explosives is a daunting task. Everyone has got something to sell you, from high power thermite charges to RDX infused armadillos. It's hard to be sure of what you really need. For a newbie to the land of pyrotechnics, The Axis of Stevil recommends Napoleon Brand Dynamite.
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CHARITABLE SUPERLATIVES

Everyday, people are exposed to a barrage of news. Violence, crime, energy shortages, and other disasters seem to happen every other day. The message is sometimes that you must give in order to care. Do not let your sympathies override your senses of judgment and curiosity. The gullible and the blindly compassionate will fork over their hard earned dollars and cents to the various name brand charities that dot our social landscapes. These organizations promise to put the money towards good causes and uses. What you should consider is this mob of charitable groups racketeer the world's crises and concerns. Their long financial arms and lack of oversight allow them to pick and choose which causes warrant the most attention. The Axis of Stevil, in it's continuing efforts to enlighten the people to the realm of choices, has released a brief survey of some of the lesser-known or appreciated chartable organizations that seek to change the world . . . .
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St/Evil: Fickle tastes...

St/Evil follows loosely the coming and goings of two astute yet seemingly inept young demons. Future strips will be posted here and will also be available within the Sunday newspaper in selected major markets

MARVEL US: Rejected Villian #54

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

SPEED OF GROUND: 3/6

LANGUAGE: gourmand

"gourmand" "gourmand" (goor-MAHND, GOOR-muhnd) n. 1. A gluttonous eater. "The gourmand behind Detective Lt. William Somerset reminded him of his encounter with a serial killer named John Doe."

PORKSTOCK

March kicks off one the greatest meat festivals of the year; far better than any bratwurst convention. Dutch and Belgium immigrants started the month-long "Tastes of Pork Festival" in 1912. It was originally designed to drive up the market price of pigs after the traditional post-Christmas decline in meat sales. Pig farmers often refer to January and February as 'the mill' or 'deadzone'. One out of every five pig farms fail during these months and most pig ranchers are hard-pressed to make enough money to cover their expenses. New years resolutions, debt, and oversaturated meat pallets are often blamed for the consumption decline every new year. The "Tastes of Pork" celebrates all the many delicious ways pigs can be prepared and processed. Supported by The Transamerica Pork Council and Consolidated Pork Holdings Ltd., the event has grown in popularity over the years. Do you consider yourself a 'porker' or 'pighead'? Well then this year, make a pilgrimage to Mecklenburg, Wisconsin; the official home of the "2006 Tastes of Pork Festival", located on the Mecklenburg County Fairgrounds.
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Featured Steve: STEVE T. PIZZAWHEEL

This illustrious company is founded on the principle that everyone can be successful and have a voice to speak their ideas, even people as plain as the name given to millions of people each year, Steve! Every so often, the Axis of Stevil takes pleasure in shining the proverbial spotlight on a Steve who shows excellence in their field.
Read more at The Axis of Stevil

SPEED OF GROUND: 2/27

Ask Stevil: 2/27

Today's Question:
"Why don't ginger kids have souls? -Algernon"
Dearest Algernon:: You should be commended for your knowledge of such folklore; however you have been slightly misled. You see, this anomaly is not in regard to ginger kids and their eternal spirit, but more toward ginger people and their shoes. As "souls" and "soles" are common homophones, this mistake is perfectly normal. There is an age-old suburban legend that The Axis of Stevil discovered that may very well answer your query more directly and may offer further explanation to this mistake. In 1893, there was a small German village where an elderly baker had dwelled. He had been a baker his entire life and was considered the best the entire country. People from far away villages and cities traveled in order to purchase this man's delectable delights. In fact, this very baker had invented the very first Gingerbread Man. Believe it or not, the Gingerbread Man that this baker had created was actually brought to life by his wife, who so happened to practice witchcraft. Quite the odd couple, wouldn't you agree? The Gingerbread Man gained the elderly baker even more fame and his business soared. Day and night he baked. When he wasn't baking, he was sleeping. His bakery remained packed full of people ready to acquire his masterpieces and to see the Gingerbread Man, live and in person -er cookie. The baker loved having an extremely successful business, but all of that hard work soon took its toll on the poor fellow. He complained that the bottoms of his feet ached constantly due to the amount of work he had accomplished within the past few weeks. His wife was not pleased. "Ever since you made that Gingerbread Man, your work load has tripled!" she exclaimed. "All of this excruciating labor is wearing you out. You toil day and night and I seldom see my dear old husband. This entire debacle is to blame on that Gingerbread Man!" That night, the baker's wife snuck into the Gingerbread Man's room and cast a spell upon him. "Since you were born Our job has been tougher. Now like my husband, Your kind shall suffer!" The curse that the witch cast upon the Gingerbread Man had taken the soles out of his shoes, causing his feet to ache terribly. The same horrible fate was placed on the Gingerbread Man's offspring, as well. And from that day forward, Ginger-kids never had soles.

SPEED OF GROUND: 2/24

COMPLETE YOUR BREAKFAST

Hey kids! Are you looking for a tasty snack that is not only part of a balanced breakfast, but is an entire breakfast?! Then you need to try 'Pro-Teens': The cereal designed for growing kids who need a full meal in a bowl. Every morning you and Porter, the portly pro-teen, can share a breakfast chock full of bacon bits, egg rounds, sausage links, and Canadian bacon. These meaty morsels are combined with Porter's special P shaped cornflakes that turn your milk into savory gravy!
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SPEED OF GROUND: 2/20

MARVEL US: I just saved a lot of money

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

Nature's Gatlin Gun

Aggressive time pilfering is the behavior of choice for one of nature's most loathed creatures, The Badger. Not the wise character or warrior TV would lead you to believe, Badgers are often moronic and underhanded. If you see a badger, drop whatever you are doing and get indoors! The only sure way of remaining safe is to be out of a badger's field of vision. A badger could appear at any time, thus you should always be prepared; readiness will give you an edge in any badger altercation.
Read more.

EVERYONE HAS A V-CARD

In observance of yet another consumer driven holiday designed to line the pockets of card companies, candy makers and fine dining establishments across this great country, The Axis of Stevil will be closed on Tuesday February 14th 2006. Due to this closing there will be no update on Wednesday February 15th 2006. To celebrate this day with us, please accept our V-card. Post it anywhere you want; on your third grade classroom bulletin board, your MySpace, your CampusBlender profile, or even your Facebook. Be the talk of the water cooler as you declare to the world that you have taken The Axis of Stevil's V-card! Much Love and Spiderman Valentines for all, The Axis of Stevil

PIG ON A DIG

The world adventurer, Thurston Zee Pig spent Saturday night comfortably resting at The Axis of Stevil's dome enclosed cornfield. The pig has had a very busy past week unraveling both the mysteries of the ages, and a modern day case of Espionage straight from the pages of Fleming and Rice. While resting, Thurston logged his most recent adventures that are soon to be produced into an IEC investigative news program.
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MARVEL US:You Move Me

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

Tax Break!

Tax season is once again upon us. Distinguishable by the annual reprinting of HASBEEN's Best Seller, "20,001 of Kwame's Favorite Accounting Tips and Secrets". If you are fiduciary challenged, consider what the jacket of the book has to say. "20,001 of Kwame's Favorite Accounting Tips and Secrets" is a powerhouse of money saving ideas, loopholes, and incentives guaranteed to make your day more rewarding.
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MARVEL US: ESPU..

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMICALS

With $4.95 and a will to conquer, you can get your hands on enough scaroel to control five people. What is scaroel? It's an extract from the Clary sage (Salvia) that has been used as a mind control agent in cigarettes and perfumes for the past 50 years. It is made from the process of mixing large quantities of the sage with hexidine. A 1gram mass of concentrated scaroel, when ingested, inhaled or even looked at under the right lighting, is thought to lessen a subject's ability to think independently; thus dulling any desires to question ideas presented to them. In larger doses (5-15grams) the compound can completely dumb a subject to a 'Zombie-like' state. . .
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Featured Steve: STEVEN SEGAL

LANGUAGE: resistentialism

"resistentialism" "resistentialism" rezis-'ten-che-li-zem n. 1. The theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile behavior against us. "The body of resistentialism activist, James Finley, was found murdered, next to a box of q-tips, in his apartment this morning."

LIFE: THE TEXTBOOK

POWER STRUGGLE

A large blow was delivered to the embattled administration of city commissioners, Chance 'T-Bone' Furlong and Jake 'Razor' Clawson. Astonishing new evidence recently surfaced, that implicated the two vigilantes in a violent coup de ta, that went unnoticed for ten years. In 1996 Megakat City experienced its worst terrorist attack ever. Mad Cat, attacking from a clocked warship, demolished City Hall with a calculated missile attack. The blast killed the city's most illustrious leader, the 14 term political dynamo, Robert 'Bob' Manx. In the ensuing chaos, the city briefly became under the martial law of Commander Feral. The public outcry over Feral's grab for power lead to the announcements of special public elections. It was rumored that amongst the hundreds of applicants, Former Deputy Mayor, Callie Briggs filed the paperwork to put the rebel SWAT Kat team, T-bone and Razor, on the ballot. Having long been in the spotlight for their vigilantism, the SWAT Kats were the heroes of the community and swept the hasty election. With a surprising 84% of the vote, T-bone and Razor declared a mandate from the people and made several extensive changes to the internal workings of the city government, sacking both Commander Feral and Councilman Stevens; long time opponents of the vigilante group. What followed seemed like nine years of peace for Megakat City. Once a victim to numerous terrorists attacks, things faired differently under the leadership of the Swat Kats as all attacks stopped. It was said that all evil was banished through a magical watch, and there was nothing left to fear. Life continued and the city flourished in its newfound peace. Thanks to recent innovations and availability in satellite imagery, amateur historian, Shawn Stevank was able to begin research and documentation of all the famous battles fought in the Megakat skies. They were to be cataloged in a large, two-volume, leather bound coffee table book. He was startled when he discovered an ominous image of the Turbo Kat releasing a cat-a-hawk missile into city hall. Though there have been many different explanations for the photograph, all theories offered by city officials, had been refuted. Recent polls say half the city has little to no trust remaining in the SWAT Kats' administration. The city council has been called into special session to discuss the situation. In light of recent events, The Axis of Stevil has been asked to stop production on its two volume, leather bound, coffee table book, "Arial Combat: Megakat City 1987-1997".
Read more.

Ask Stevil: 1/30

Today's Question:
"Why is the name Robert Paulsen so familiar? A Non Emuss"
Dear Mr. Not as Clever as He'd like Everyone to Think He Is:

If you happen to be talking about legendary voice actor Robert Paulsen, then yes! Robert Paulsen's name just happens to be Robert Paulsen. Born on March 11th, 1956 in Detroit, Michigan, Robert Paulsen was immediately deemed a child prodigy when his parents discovered that their little bundle of joy had the amazing ability to manipulate his voice. However, they assumed that the outside world would not accept Robert because of his differences. His parents kept him in their basement for over two decades. Despite this, they attempted to give him a normal life. He was well-taken care of and was home schooled by his mother. Once he hit puberty, his voice(s) changed dramatically. Although this is to be expected in every adolescent, his mother was bewildered by these sudden vocal transformations. His parents decided to set him free, into the real world. With little guidance in the outside world, Robert Paulsen befriended animals, such as mice, turtles, and bears. He noticed that different animals in the same species each possessed different personality traits; much like humans. He studied which voice each animal positively responded to and communicated with them accordingly. Two unknown hikers found Robert Paulsen in a wooded area 40 miles outside of Detroit. They took him in and immediately discovered his talent. Luckily, one of the hikers was a friend of a cartoonist, who just so happened to be hiring voice talent. This was Robert's big break. At the age of 25, Robert began a prestigious voice acting career when he used his talents for The Smurfs. He is also well known for voicing Snow Job (G.I. Joe), Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) Yakko Warner, and Pinky (Animaniacs). His lengthy credentials can be found here. This remarkable man, who was born with a talent like no other, who was raised in the basement of a middle-class family's home, who was sent to fend for himself in the wilderness when he was only 13 years-old, and who used the same ability, that caused his parents to shun him, to create a name for himself in the hearts of those who love animated television. Who is this man? His name is Robert Paulsen

MARVEL US: Eat Fresh..

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

B Roll : REINVENTING THE WHEEL

Click to download.

LANGUAGE: sheol

"sheol" she-ol n. 1. The abode of the dead in the Bible "Shavo sells sea shells in sheol"

HATE TO SAY "TOLD YOU SO"

Dear Friends @ Axis of Stevil, After more closely examining this wonderful picture, I was a little dissapointed to discover that I was never invited to the "Annual Boy Band Look-A-Like Party." I'd also like to know if the photographer has settled his lawsuit with the gentleman in the upper right corner for capturing his soul while taking this photo. Thanks, Bustin Limbersnake

St/Evil: Halcyon bubble days

THE JOYS OF LIFE

A common misconception of the universe is that Fraggles and Doozers live in a harmonious balance under the surface of the earth. This is not the case. In fact it is another example of reality distorted by television. Using refined radishes, the Doozers spend their days constructing large pieces of scaffolding that taste and smell of a sweet candy to Fraggle nostrils. Have you ever wondered why they build so much, just to have it destroyed? It is not their desire to construct, but to live. It is a sad fact that when there are no Doozer buildings to be eaten, Fraggles will turn their appetites on Doozers themselves!
Read more.

MARVEL US: Your a good man...

comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

RUG'BURNZ

The Axis of Stevil, acting in the public's best interest, has committed itself to expose the darkest holes and seediest dens of this world's lesser known underside. When confronting a mission of this magnitude, always remember your core values and multi-task! With this in mind, The Axis of Stevil teamed up with leaders of the entertainment community and has begun production on a series of public service announcements, movies and video games that show the harsh, gritty reality of crime and violence, that comes from your childhood streets, in a disenfranchised future by breaking the code of meaning found in many television classic. These stirring classics will also provide a much-needed boost for the struggling entertainment industries, whose once-keen instincts were destroyed when a large part of the population embraced a retard named Napoleon Dynamite.
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STRAIGHT TO DVD! : BLAXTOR STOCKMAN!

B Roll : QUANTUM GARAGE DOOR

Click to download.

B Roll : LIVING CONFORMITY

Click to download.

NOT ANOTHER A GNOME MOVIE!

It was a wildly sorted affair in the village of Wickerbriar. David the Gnome a respected doctor and community leader was exposed as fathering an illegitimate child with the young Lisa Curvet, a 175-year-old gnome. At one point farmer Kurvalt, Lisa$apos;s troll stepfather, had threatened to eat David should he ever get near his daughter. With nothing else to do, David fled town one summer's January night. Accompanied by his oldest friend, Swift, the pair set out to seek their fortunes and find their future in the wild world. So begins the many misadventures of a gnome:

STRAIGHT TO DVD!

TRAGEDY STRIKES

Featured Steve: STEVE SMITH

LANGUAGE: ameliorate

"ameliorate" a-mel-io-rate v.
1. To make or become better; improve.
"Amelia Bedelia almeliorates memorabellia."

NOT AS GOOD AS 'THE ORIGINAL'

It started as an anonymous tip called in from the Wacky Land and House of Pancakes. The tip led authorities to the Hillcrest Trailer Park, home of Shirley the Loon. Hearing shouts, the police entered the home to find Ms. Loon and her boyfriend, Gogo Dodo, injecting large amounts of KLOVAAH!-XIN, a Rheumatic arthritis drug that works as a steroid in toons. The couple had made news recently as stars of the 371st Laugh Olympics, the annual trialthlon between Acme Looniversity and Perfecto Prep. Both Gogo and Shirley had set records in the 10m Head Toss and Anvil Lift, These results have been heavily contested by Perfecto Prep since the discovery of steroid use. Under interrogation, case investigator, Jerald Hastins, discovered the athletes were nothing but mules in the international drug cartel of Montana Max. Hastins struck a plea bargain to have their charges dropped and protection provided in exchange for information against Montana Max. Gogo's publicized testimony before the Special Committee on Cartoon Violence enthralled television audiences with a chilling tale of the inner workings and violence of Montana's crime syndicate. Prostitution, drugs, and Blue slavery, Max dabbled in everything illegal; furthering his goal of world domination. Uncovered, Max barricaded himself inside his compound and held the FBI at a standoff for 11 days. Acting under special orders, the compound was raided by FBI agents and National Guard troops at sunrise of the twelth day. Authorities, expecting to find a fight, were shocked to discover the bodies of Max and Mistress Elmira dead from an apparent lover's suicide pact. Acme Looniversity won the 371st Laugh Olympics by a score of 32 to 17.

Ask Stevil: 1/9

Today's Question:
"Why is Cheerwine made only in North and South Carolina? Your #1 fan"
Dear main air-conditioning unit,

The answer to this inquiry is located deep within the Axis of Stevil History Texts. Hold the flaming stick and watch your step. The answer takes us all the way back to the year 1917, smack-dab in the middle of World War I. Europe, as a whole, was taking quite a beating during this period. The price of food skyrocketed and rations were entirely too small to sustain our over-seas citizens. Due to the lack of food, these people suffered chemical imbalances within their brains, which were proven to be early detections of bipolar disorder (or Xanga Fuel, as it is referred to in modern terms). The United States had declared war against Germany earlier in the year, so Europe looked to us for aid with their indigent, famished individuals. The United States gladly took these people into refuge and stationed them into asylums located in North and South Carolina. However, the nurses and doctors noticed that these people, having suffered malnourishment, produced abnormal brain activity. They quickly developed a treatment called "Cheer-Whine" to represent both stages of bipolar disorder. Not only did "Cheer-Whine" alleviate the irregular brain ailments, it was quite tasty to boot. Once the Europeans were returned safely, the developers of this delicious drug decided to capitalize their creation. With a quick name change, the modern-day Cheerwine was unveiled.

A word from our sponsors

MARVEL US: Rejected

New comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

UNILATERAL BIPARTISAN NON-DENOMINATIONAL GREETINGS!

Once again, the holiday season is upon us. The Axis of Stevil, as a supporter of the open work place, celebrates and recognizes the following acknowledged winter holidays:

Festivus
Chanukah
Kwanza
St. Stevalon's Day (patron saint of Harvest)
Banquete de cabras
Eind van leeftijden
Thurston Ze Pigs Birthday
Christmas
Boxing Day
Bob Keeshan
New Years
Resolution Day (the black Friday of the gym world)
January Cleaning
Cheese Fries Festival.

Full House: Wrath of Tanner

A superior hand is the true mark of the warrior. Trump your magical opponents with a card pulled from the "Full House: Wrath of Tanner" Magic Expansion pack! Decimate any adversary with the might of this Miller-Boyett production! Sparked by the memory of his dead-ass-wife, Danny Tanner toyed with the powers of the ethereal range. Hoping to use the black arts to revive his soul mate, he summoned the dark Lord Burgerler one memorable September night. A diabolical genius, Lord Burgerler had tricked Tanner into casting the spell by possessing the body of DJ's boyfriend, Steve. Since a Steve had offered advice, Danny Tanner ignored the obvious warning label on the spell written within a large, thickly bound onyx incantation book.
Appearing in a ball of green fire, Lord Burgerler rewarded the Tanner family for his freedom by imprisoning them forever within Magic playing cards, a grim reminder to tread lightly with Magic: The Gathering.
If you understand and accept the risks of Magic, you can now take up arms wielding the might of a Full House. The "Full House: Wrath of Tanner" Expansion pack contains 100% authentic recreations of the 'tanner cards' taken from high-rez scans of the actual cards housed in the Stevilarium. Pick up your pack today and laugh as you destroy, even the savviest, with 'The Gibbler'!

SPEED OF GROUND: 12/16

Ask Stevil: 12/16

Today's Question:
"Why is three company? -----"
Dear Layzee McNoname,

This is an excellent question, Layzee. It just so happens that December 15th is the day of birth of the revolutionary Jonathan Trees. Never heard of him? Well, sit down, chil'rens and take a journey through the life of a young entrepreneur. Jonathan Trees was born on December 15th, 1693. He was the first recorded puritan to have a lisp. Normally, people with lisps were burned at the stake (they were thought to be witches), but Jonathan was no ordinary warlock-er, man. Nor was his lisp; he could speak perfect puritan English, except he added an 'h' after every 't' that he spoke. So, we come to the conclusion that he pronounced his name, "Jonathan Threes." At the ripe old age of 11, his father, Jacob Trees, passed away from "thuberculosis". It was customary for a son to follow in his father's occupational footsteps, so Jonathan became a lumberjack, just like his old man. His exceptional lumber-jacking skills are what saved him from being accused as a warlock. Knowing this, he decided to expand his business. He hired his close friends, Matthew Wood and Mark Bark. These three pre-pubescent lumberjacks established the "Trees' Company". Not only were these boys the virtual cookie-cutter for all lumberjack enterprises, but they also coined the phrase "Threes' Company," thanks to Jonathan's legendary lisp.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, INDEED!

The holiday season is a time for friends, family and outrageous materialism. There is no finer example of this than a recent Darker Brothers print ad, circulating in the back of comic books, magazines and scouting journals, enticing readers to promote materialism and guerilla advertising with free prizes and meats. The ad, complete with misleading text and promotions, is very good at achieving its desired effect; CONFUSION! Don't be fooled, free prizes are only earned by sending thousands of pieces of illegal spam. It is estimated that Darker Brothers accounts for nearly 1/8 of all the spam sent on the web today. Keep your cool and try to remain objective and logical in this modern market place. Watch where your money goes and support those who deserve it

FOWL LIES

The sight of a dog wearing headphones, or a sea turtle selling fast food is not unheard of thanks to the constant barrage of anthromorphic TV. Over the past fifty years, television viewers have been desensitized to seeing animals acting as humans. This fact was made painfully apparent when it was reveled before a live television audience that President George W. Boosh was, in fact, a chicken; a giant chicken! Read more!

MARVEL US: Merry Christmas!

New comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

THE TOOTH IS LOOSE

To celebrate the 4th Annual Beaville Downtown Festival, a statue of a silver beaver will be unveiled at Flanagan Park. The section of Flanagan Park from 3rd street to the river is being renamed to "The Shrine of the Silver Beaver" in remembrance to one of Beaville's most tremendous residents. During a heated murder trial, Silver "Sam" Beaver was found not guilty for the murder of Judith Heart. Subsequent appeals, court decisions, and amici curiae briefs have made it virtually impossible to convict a beaver for murder. Beaville, with a community beaver population close to 47%, has dedicated this year's Downtown Festival to Silver Sam Beaver, and many other esteemed beavers. The Beaver statue is part of Beaville's continuing mission to improve and revitalize Downtown Park. Born under a full moon, Silver Beaver was the second of the three mineral beaver offspring. Mirya Mineral Beaver and Smithy Mineral Beaver named their beaver offspring after the Olympic medals when Gold 'Greta' Beaver was born at the Naganoe Winter Olympics during the opening ceremony. Mirya who was there skiing for Ecuador, caused a major roadblock in the parade line with her contractions. Though she never got to ski, Mirya is the only Ecuadorian to ever come home with gold from the Winter Olympics! The Minerals continued the naming convention with their next two children Silver 'Sam' Beaver and Bronze 'Barnaby' Beaver . . .
Read more!

Ask Stevil

Today's Question:
"Do the little ridges on Solo plastic cups serve any purpose? Peter, Dallas"
Check out The Axis of Stevil for the answers!

LANGUAGE

"anthropomorphize" an-thro-po-mor-phize v.
1. To ascribe human characteristics to.
"When recalling events in court, the defendant anthromorphized a conventional soda dispenser and accused it of being rude and distasteful."

A DECLARATION OF WAR

There are two worlds, one of virtue and truth where rights to property exist, children can be free, to enjoy well-balanced breakfasts and have matching day of the week socks; and one of blackness and despair where heartless men rule and people walk around uncolor-coordinated. Bound by a tendency of malice, they forever oppose all that is free and true. One world can stay, one must go! There comes a time when a people must stand for what they believe in! That time has come; we have declared war with the sock goblins!

Consider for a moment that the enemy, R. Murdock, is the acting Demi-God of Evil, high commander, and spiritual leader to the world's population of warlocks, goblins and newscorp. Then consider, he has trained the evil villains of this world to cause harm, malice and disruptions to consumer goods whenever possible. Sock Goblins, the most well known of Murdock's Empire, have assaulted good people everywhere for the last 120 years.

Appearing in 1885, it is believed the Sock Goblin was released into northwest Manitoba to quell the Stevil uprising by lowering morale. The creature finds sustenance from devouring other socks, feeding on its life force. Leaving sock owners cold-ankled and miserable. Sock Goblins are clever creatures; they hide in plain sight, disguised like a demonic chameleon. A "wolf in sock clothing", they strike where a sock is most vulnerable; in the dryer. The Murdock Empire employs these terrors to keep a population in a state of constant consumption, buying new socks, fueling the machines of war, growing the empire; bigger, stronger, more prepared to strike!

In a world of virtue, respect is given to the most sanctimonious times of a sock's life; the warm period of rest when the dryer has just finished. Garments do not live in fear, in a land governed by free men. When socks match, people have a higher potential to do amazing things. In the land of matching socks there are white picket fences and strong gin; beings living happy and free from the bounds of constantly having to restock their consumer goods. Never worried of reaching a drawer with one navy blue sock and one black sock, we brave men and women must defend all that humanity means to be, and crush the sock menace!

It has come to it; the world of darkness must be destroyed. Should you see a Sock Goblin, don't hesitate, you know what to do! Sock Goblins could swallow any garment you love in a second!

Sock Goblin Sightings

^{Sock Goblin photo taken just two days before assassination of Fruit of the Loom member Grapes.}
^{Sock Goblins can be seen loitering outside of clothing stores.}
^{Another drawer falls victim to terror attacks.}

SPEED OF GROUND

MARVEL US

New comic series by Rich "Dick" Palmer"

PSA No. 1337

St/Evil: CUT TO

REMEMBER TODAY, TOMORROW!

Our on-demand, technology-driven world has yielded much advancement in the personal record keeping field. For example, the AIM log gives hard copy records of every conversation that ever transpires online. This has become a great tool for sealing harassment charges, and writing provocative revenge letters. Now, a feature in almost every messaging client, the world has begun to rely on their logs so much that demand has lead to a great new innovation: The ID-10m Personal Digital Stenographer by Kuno Robotics.

Ask Stevil

Today's Question:

Check out The Axis of Stevil for more answers!

SPEED OF GROUND

"Enjoy your Thanksgiving... before it is gone forever."

Featured Steve: STEVE BOWIE - King of Texas

Bi.A.H.s CONVENTION 2005

Attendance was poor at this past weekend's BiAHs Convention 2005. Blame for the failure was placed on the following email that, according to sources close with the union, "says too much". The email was circulated to over 40,000 homebound people. Sadly, due to the author's name it was filtered as spam on almost every junk mail program.

STEVEMOLIANS: LOOMING ON THE HORIZON

this very moment monkeys are working diligently to man the mold setters at the first Mint of Stevil. They are producing a coin that is good for both fun and prizes! The Stevemolian is the first minting ever released by a major name. The silver, quarter-sized token is exchanged for promotion of Steves in any venue!

The Stevemolian initiative is a long overdue reward for simple things.
Before:	If you were inadvertently prompted for directions, and aid a lost Steve, you would receive nothing for efforts!	After	If you were to help a fallen Steve back to his feet, receive good karma and tokens*!

Stevemolian tokens can be earned for doing any number of simple things to aid and support Steves. Telling a friend about Stevilzation, sharing smiles with a Steve, or chatting with a Steve would earn you one token. Referring a satellite Steve to your local Stevlization Center earns you three tokens.

The reward sheet is still in committee and is restricted to Steves with Level M Security Clearance. Stay tuned for details, as they are made available. * - Tokens are better than pogs.

BELOVED FISH TYCOON DIES

Arthur T Watercrest, the greatest known trout investor, has died. The industry baron was found fried, filleted and covered in mayonnaise in a South Littleton Red Lobster. Had wait staff not noticed the deep fried remains of his monocle, the plutocrat fish surely would have been eaten. What is left of the body has been returned to the Watercrest Estate. A crowd of 2000+ guests is expected to be in attendance at tonight's memorial service of the world's greatest fish. . .

Ask Stevil

Today's Question: "How do Mexican Jumping Beans jump? Thanks. A Friend "
Check out The Axis of Stevil for the answer!

YOU BOOB

The comings and goings of another person's life used to be a mystery. With video proliferation and the Internet, the ability to plug the world into your reality is now at your fingertips. Whether it's grandma in the dunk tank at the county fair, or your impromptu karaoke jam session, all the world is a stage. Thanks to "You Boob!", now you can exhibit private moments of buffoonery to almost anyone. Production values, scripts and forethoughts are a thing of the past. Our reclusive and voyeuristic tendencies have created a sub culture of people who find excitement in off-the-cuff hilarity of this new "reality" television.
Flash promo.

COMMERCIAL

Promo video shot for The Axis of Stevil.

COSMIC VEGGIE

St/Evil

UNSOLVED ENIGMAS

The death of media mogul and rodent trainer, David Seville, is one of southern California's most unsolved of mysteries. His whereabouts have been unknown for more then six years. The efforts put into finding him have all but vanished, from a taskforce of 200 to now just one Dade County cop who swore his life to close the case,Steve Willmont.

With David's many successes as the manager of an upright yard animal show and diamond smuggling cartel kingpin, he had great influence in many world wide affairs, Using a local college to launder money, he covered a campus in buildings, statues, sidewalk murals, al frescos, cafes and garden displays; dramatizing many scenes from "his life."

Known as 'David Land', West California State University is home to such noted exhibits as "Freaky Friday-The Constructive sound garden" and "Jumbex Palladium"; an astounding 20,000 seat public venue and midget playground. And the most popular of all the schools attractions, the seven story "Octopus Dungeon" on West Campus.

Besides being the movie set for The Chipmunks' final movie, "Alvin and the Horn of Ophidian", The Octopus Dungeon was the last place David Seville was seen. It is thought that his remains lie somewhere within one of the many levels of dungeon classrooms. Though after exhausted search nothing has been found.

Further perplexing is the disappearance of Jennet Miller that same evening. Unsubstantiated rumors of romance and foul play persist in national tabloids. The stolen footage, 'hotel sex tape porn', reveals David and Janet in karma sutra like positions; enraging, then boyfriend, Alvin Seville into an uncontrollable madness. Alvin is said to have devised an elaborate death for his once backwater father to extract a cruel revenge on the man who betrayed him.

While Dade County Sheriffs collected evidence of Jenne's murder at Alvin's mountainside mansion, Alvin's fate was tested. Poor handling of her severed thumb and media sympathy allowed Alvin to be found not guilty, thus clearing his name on all charges of murder and extortion.

Steve Willmont, dedicated upholder of justice, has sworn his life to finding evidence to convict Seville for murder, "Finally allowing justice to be served". He has personally offered a $10,000 reward for anyone who has evidence that leads to a conviction.

Featured Steve: STEVE WILLMONT

SEA DIFERENTE

The world is in its worst condition; conformity gone a muck. True happiness comes from being one with yourself. See that? You're an individual, not a pointless spec, stuck watching the message go by. Be the hero of your existence and Carpe the damn Diem! In support of this goal, The Axis of Stevil is serving Lime Jell-O and passing out individually numbered shirts* in the Conformitorium.**

Footnotes:
* - Women receive size small garment; Men receive size large garment; NO EXCEPTIONS!
** - Conformitorium is located in the west wing of the David Seville Memorial Fauxology Building on Southtrend Campus.

Ask Stevil

Today's Question: " what does the "o" and the "k" stand for in the word "O.K." This causes me to lose sleep at night. Please help. Sincerely, Enn ohh "
Check out The Axis of Stevil for the answer!

Axis of Travil

"The jones are having a hard time keeping up"

SOLO SYNCRONIZED SWIMMING SPECTACLElE

click for video!

EXTREME THANKSGIVING

The new trend in diversifying funds among major corporations is to purchase the rights to holidays; starting with Google's acquisition of Christmas, Viacom has quickly followed suit snatching Thanksgiving and the first two weeks of women$apos;s history month. Speculation is currently running rampant on what the conglomerate plans to do with its new holdings. Current Vice President of Seasonal Sales and Promotions, Martin Salaberg, promises to bring to thanksgiving the same quality of styling and product placement that he brought to MTV!

Salaberg made the following remarks about plans for Thanksgiving, at a Knights of Cortez Luncheon. "Viacom hopes to fuse the antiquated notions of a traditional Thanksgiving with a modern vision. Aiding the day with several Viacom owned characters will give the day a broad consumer appeal and merchandizing potential. The turkey and the pilgrim were fine for your mom and pop, but in these modern times, people need icons they know and identify with. There were no cell phones at the first Thanksgiving, or Xbox 360s. We hope to change that. Rather then propagate seasonal gluttony! We hope to channel resources away from gorging and turn it into gifting!"

Offering no comments on any plans for women's history month, Salberg added more to a growing controversy. An uncovered inner-departmental Viacom memo mentioned a re-branding of the March fortnight to "Special K Presents: Women's History Month". The memo that was published in a HASBEEN magazine editorial has brought a firestorm of criticism to both the cereal giant Kellogg's, and Viacom.

The Axis of Stevil believes that days, dates, holidays, weeks, month's and all other denomination of time are in the public domain, therefore are not subject to rights of use.

Ask Stevil

Today's Question: "Dear Axis of Stevil, why is it so hard to kill a zombie with a knife...even if it has a serrated edge and is sharpened on a diamond stone? -The Daywalker"
Check out The Axis of Stevil for the answer!

B Roll

AWW SKEET SKEET

Pop culture entropy keeps most from dwelling on what happened to their once iconic favorites. These characters fade away from the spot light. Some make the transition to the mundane with grace and dignity, heading up legitimate corporate ventures, or lending their name to upscale doggy biscuits, and other consumer goods. Still others, like Skeeter Valentine have great difficultly creating a normal life post-stardom. Skeeter Valentine, so enamored by Hollywood, foolishly sunk all his assets and earnings from his cartoon successes into the sequel to Doug's first movie; "Skeeter Valentine's: Macbeth and The Ghost of Klotzenstein". Plagued by weather, on-set turmoil, and several re-writes, Skeeter's movie came out 16 months later then expected on a very limited 'straight to DVD' release. His showbiz career has never recovered.

WHO LIKES BADGES?

Signups for member positions opened today during a brief ceremony at Stevil World Headquarters. Do you wish to become a member of The Axis of Stevil? Simply submit your name and you will be issued your own unique Axis of Stevil ID Badge. This badge will identify you to other Axis of Stevil members and grant you access to the Axis of Stevil Cafetorium. It is a time-tested fact that badges are cool. Be it Merit, Communicator, or ID, badges have become the newest clothing accessory. 4 out of every 5 people report that they feel a greater sense of confidence and acceptance while wearing their own unique IDs. Not only do they provide quick name references for the absent minded, badges are also seen as status symbols. Badge aficionados are often heard to say "You can tell a man by the cut of his badge". So take care, and exercise patience while assembling your Stevil membership badge.

SPEED OF GROUND

"Bug or Feature?"

NEVER FORGET CAPISTRANO

The bird menace is coming! Soon you or someone you know could be the next victim of an attack! Who knows? Maybe you might look up and see the swallows in formation preparing to cluster bomb your house! We must never forget the lessons learned in Capistrano! If you give birds an opening, they will streak without mercy!

SPEED OF GROUND

"Parrott-Ice Lost"

TEMPUS FUGIT

Residents of East Shore please stay alert! It has been confirmed by The Axis of Stevil that there has been another time burgle! Community Watch groups are now circulating the only well known image of the Time Burglar stealing from Little John outside of Mile High Stadium. Often mistaken for a decorative figurine, if you see the Time Burglar, do not attempt to capture him! Head inside and phone the N. Hamlico's Sheriff's Office. Rumors that the creature has a pot of gold are erroneous! He is considered armed and extremely dangerous, more so than two Professor Cold Hearts put together.

hotdog

Plantaines and CHURROS!

The Horror of Cheese Madness!!

Public Notice: The Axis of Stevil is aware of the new public trend of eating large quantities of premium Jack and Mozzarella cheeses. This is said to induce nightmarish and disturbing imagery in your dreams, a lucid trip if you will. While there is no adverse health risk to this overdose besides your waistline, heart, and ability to operate small-incased vehicles. The mental trauma that ramifies itself after the tripper has awoken is staggering.

Carlton's Luicd Cheese trip

Carlton D. rock, Eats quaility american cheese before taking a nap.

Master Splinter: Bustin' Your Lats

Once upon a time in the early days of modern culture, there was a man, Hanato Yoshi. He, at an early age, mastered the arts of business through patience, meditation and martial arts. Now YOU can take advantage of his one ness

More Cluck For Your Buck

Do you need somebody murdered? Is a close friend or relative being held captive by an evil tyrant? If so you need the Kickin Chickin! Unlike most assassin groups, the Kickin Chicken will not ask you for a deposit and two forms of ID. Masters of their ancient art, the Kickin Chicken have never lost a battle and always get their man.

P.B.C. And You

Summer is finally here and many people find themselves shedding their cloth skins and traveling to the ocean. This yearly quest of mankind to seek a large body of water is a great way to spend a weekend and to mentally recharge one's batteries. Large bodies of water are what a weary brain needs to relax and enjoy the sweltering summer days. Too often people forsake the bounds of good taste when selecting their swimwear and don an outfit that straddles the divide of bad taste and "too much information". Most notably is the dreaded "Banana Hammock".

SPEED OF GROUND

Aroko always took coffee with his turtle soup.

A DAY IN THE LIFE . . .

" A DOUGHNUT!"

Ask Stevil

Today's Question: "My TeacHER woNt Be QuieT AND im TrYing To sLEep. WhAt ShoULD Do? I'm ReAlly Super TiRed aNd shE Has an anNoying voice. -Rocky"

ORANGE JULIUS TRAPPED IN A MONDAY

Some days are just like that, Even in australia.

FACEBOOK: GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!

This past Friday, Monks of the high order of Mon' were called to southern San Picco where reports say the 357th reincarnation of Mon' has arrived. If confirmed it will be the cosmic beginning's first appearance in over 6 years. The creature, Mon' Monetup, a confrontational being of obsessive collecting, is said to inhabit the Facebook. Fueling the collection of an online network of "friends" regardless of any actual relationships with these people. Arm your profile with all your obscure friends from high school and do Battle in The Facemon' Stadium! Known in the 1950s as the "Stamp Collector's God", Mon' once lead a very quite life. This changed in 1998 thanks to the super villains of the OAK research facility. Using the "Scientific Method" The brilliant minds of OAK observed and reasoned that the resonating sounds emitted from within the boxer shorts of Ashton Ballpark were in fact the sleeping energy markers of Mon'

Satisfy your inner Fat Kid


		Read more at www.Axisofstevil.com

The Science of Tomorrow, Today!

Fad medical ideas have found commonplace in our culture. Every ten years, like clockwork, a new "science" is invented or rehashed. If they catch on, these breakthrough health fads (bHADS) can become part of our everyday cycle of life, much like The Atkins Diet or Mormon Faith. Recent advancements in the metric system lend new credibility to the science of Phrenology. Appearing in major headlines with Woody Haralson opening his fifth Phrenological head shop, phrenology seems set to once again take the medical community by storm.

NEVER BE CAUGHT SPEECHLESS!

The perplexing panda propagates the many paradigms of the pragmatic problems of phonics. Not just the penguin of the bear universe, the panda was blessed with a language; that despite its best intention can never quite say the right thing. Among other things, this has caused the retardation of the pandanian courtship process. That can last several years, often fraught with misapprehension and nervousness. Because of this fact The Axis of Stevil has crafted this handy pocket guide of common panda translations. Keep this in your pocket when traveling through panda country. You will never be caught speechless.

SPEED OF GROUND

William would never forget exact change for the bus again.

Shameless self promotion

Every idea looks better when laid out on a cork board.

The New Age of Villainy

Beware of Darker Brothers games. This new Viacom subsidiary is staffed with some of history's most recent villains. These fiends have devised a new plot to conquer the world. By instilling their image and position in childhood games and toys, they will become icons of a generation and will rise to power as their targets mature and take over

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

"If I read it on the Intarweb, it must be true!"

HASBEEN MAGAZINE -14 WINTER FASHION TIPS

Dress it right, or pay the price!

HASBEEN MAGAZINE

Some characters will always hang in the mind. These quirky and identifiable icons of film and television can, for a time, capture the heart of a nation. These characters, often, abruptly fall from the public spot light and become forgotten. What happened to Dudley Do-Right? Did Growing Pain's Boner ever find a girl?

OK, SERIOUSLY . . .

This east coast, west coast thing has gotta stop!

ASTEVE BALLMER: LAND OF MYSTERY

DJ BALLMERFRESH makes the scene at the steveferno

AND THEY SAID IT COULDNT BE DONE . . .

Logs CAN ski!

Stevil Max

Digital Pasteup

The adventure continues

Learning to make decisions is an important part of growing up. Train the young and the young at heart, to make the best decisions in life by reading The Axis of Stevil Escoja Un Sendero Adventure Series, These exciting adventures will show how many infinite possibilities of adventure can be created from a simple mistake.

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

WEIGHTY WORDS

The photos are clear.

DIAGNOSIS: GREMLINS

Have you ever had the occasion when, despite your best efforts and abilities, something still goes wrong? When a hard drive fails, an audio track drops out; little kicks in the face that you have no ability to control. While it may seem like these events happen on their own just to spite you, take comfort that these mishaps are well-orchestrated maneuvers done by a crack squadron of carefully trained gremlins.

UFNs Exposed!

		According to Stevil Census Data, the second most well known conspiracy theory is the notion that Catholic nuns have the ability to fly. While the thought of these Unidentified Flying Nuns (UFN) seems preposterous to some, it is believed by many to be a fact. Speculation still remains as to how the Nuns acquired this ability; do they command powers given to them by god? Are nuns actually agents of an alien race left as crowd control for the human masses? Whatever the source, UFNs are said to be creatures that can fly as high as 700 feet and can reach speeds upwards of 30 miles an hour. Earlier this year, photographic evidence of a UFN flying towards Arizona with a case labeled "1800", was captured by United States Border Security Post 43. The security camera at the installation had recently been upgraded with a thermal image enhancement system to pinpoint border crossers at night. On the tape, a viewer can plainly see a nun shaped blob pass across the screen. As the first tangible evidence of Nunronautics, it set off alarms in the office of the joint chiefs. It was then that, then Hairdresser, Peter Pace read the brief and saw the photos that had been mistakenly filed in the trash.
		Read more at www.Axisofstevil.com

FRIENDLY ADVICE!

		IN THE WORLD OF THE BLOB, THE ONE WITH THE FORK IS KING!
		Read more at www.Axisofstevil.com

BUMPER-STICKER-MANIA! : "Pro- Dinosaur"

Make a statement:

The Axis of Stevil is proud to release its latest series of bumper stickers this Fall. Place them on the back of your car, around your city or anywhere else ignorance needs to be defeated. From "Pro-Dinosaur" to Yorkshire lines of succession, there is something for everybody, Grab yours today.

Read more at www.Axisofstevil.com

Somebody light this monkey!

There are many things in this world we take for granted. All too often we view the world as being unchangeable; "Just the way it is". Take, for instance, the Military Industrial Complex, you know that it will defend you while you sleep, drop bombs on the enemies, and breathe during your phone conversations. What nobody realizes is that behind the scenes, there are minds toiling endlessly to think up the next great idea in anti-gravity propulsion, aeronautics and SBD olfactoric weaponry. More then likely, any idea you have had for a weapon has been thoroughly tested and documented by the army.

Read more at www.Axisofstevil.com

VERIFIED: POPTARTS CAUSE CONFLAGRATION

VIDEO
Two (2) Unfrosted Strawberry Poptarts + Toaster =
10:17 pm
Toasting begins.
10:22 pm
Smoke appears; Poptarts blacken.
10:23 pm
Toaster emits "spring" sound (something broke inside)
10:25 pm
Smoke level increases.
10:26 pm
Smoke bellows.
10:27 pm
Smoke pours from toaster.
10:28 pm
Ignition - 2' - 3' flame.
10:30 pm
Flames subside.
10:31 pm
Flames extinguished; toaster properly disposed of.

Read more at www.Axisofstevil.com

THE ATM OF JUSTICE!

Are you tired of dealing with the hassles of our modern legal system? Frustrated with making appearance after appearance in court? You are in luck. The ATM of Justice is being rolled out across the United States and will soon be in your area. Taking a page from the cashless revolution, the Department of Homeland Security has rolled most traffic and minor law infractions into simple "ATM-like" procedures. Approach the ATM and enter your case number, enter a plea of guilty or not guilty on the keypad. After this simply swipe your credit or debit card and get a receipt to keep for your records. This system frees up the legal system by admitting that all minor infractions are laws designed to collect revenue from the people. No longer will you have to waste time and money on lawyers and traffic school. Simply fork over money at your nearest ATM of Justice and receive a receipt for your due process

Read more at www.Axisofstevil.com

AND E. WARPLANE

Photography

Read more at www.Axisofstevil.com

FACT No. 1040EZ

it is written, behind every evil-billy goat eating-Troll, there is a crack team of accountants working diligently around the clock to keep a murderous troll's finances in order. Trolls and other ancient races are considered exempt from the laws of man. Thusly, any Deaths or Property Damage caused by trolls attacks leave victims with little recourse beyond filling an insurance claim. To keep track of all their plundering and help them plan for the future, Trolls keep in their entourage only the best of CPAs.

HE'S ON THE PROWL

Ripped from the headlines of Tabloid Newspapers

YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO

The modern work force, while diligent and readily available, does not produce the same caliber of employee that can be found in the Animal Kingdom. The Axis of Stevil, in a service to greaten the public's awareness, has started the "Lighter Side of Animal Testing" Campaign. With continued support, the preconceived notions and stereotypes of animal testing labs will be removed from our culture. Take the rabbit for example it has a natural intrinsic work ethic. From its birth the rabbit understands "You gotta do, what you gotta do". This has enabled the rabbit to hold jobs most would find unimaginable. It is no coincidence, then, that statistically the three worst jobs ever (Shark tamer, Landfill Owner, and Hardee's Employee) are rabbit dominated fields. Scientific studies on the rabbit have shown that even under the worst of conditions and circumstances the rabbit will do as he is told for a paycheck.

Extreme Hoopin'

Axis of Stevil - Norway's Annual Extreme Hoop Fest is quickly approaching. It is Once again that time of the year when the world pauses and looks to Norway for its unique national pastime. The Extreme Hoop Roll! Once a simple children's game this new extreme sport has taken the thrill of mountain repelling and the challenge of rolling a hoop with a stick. Lead by their Iconic ex-envirospoksperson, Woodsy the Forest Owl. Who proved his mastery of the sports by winning 23 consecutive rounds of extreme Hoop at the "Nukkalodean Blood and GutzFests 99"

See yourself in a Fjord Model D

In this text box i created MAGIC!!!! Magic i say.